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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27552865">Forgiveness. Can You Imagine?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss'>BatmanWhoLaughss</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Acceptance, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Apologies, Developing Friendships, Forgiveness, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Multi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:21:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,708</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27552865</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s still weird, having Kallus around the base. He can’t deny that the ex-Imperial seems to have wholeheartedly thrown his support behind the Rebellion, and he seems to have adjusted to life on base well. </p><p>But that doesn’t mean that Kanan trusts him. Kallus has done enough for the fleet for Kanan to begrudgingly accept his presence, but even though he knows Hera, Zeb and the kids have welcomed him with open arms, he can’t bring himself to. </p><p>The others didn’t see Kallus sneering at him while he screamed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kanan Jarrus &amp; Alexsandr Kallus, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>99</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Forgiveness. Can You Imagine?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Another relationship that was super underexplored in Rebels. I hate that we didn't get to see this scene, so I wrote it :)</p><p>ALSO, HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, I HIT 50 USER SUBS ON AO3?!?!?!??!?! IM LOSING MY MIND, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH! You all make me so happy &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yavin 4 is a big base, but somehow, Kallus still manages to find him. </p><p>Kanan is meditating outside, something he’s been doing more and more lately to get used to the new environment, when he hears a low <em> ahem </em> behind him. He knows it’s Kallus before he turns around; he can feel the apprehension and unease radiating from him. </p><p>It’s still weird, having Kallus around the base. He can’t deny that the ex-Imperial seems to have wholeheartedly thrown his support behind the Rebellion, and he seems to have adjusted to life on base well. It’s not like he can go <em> back </em> to the Empire, at any rate. Thrawn would execute him on sight. </p><p>But that doesn’t mean that Kanan trusts him. Kallus has done enough for the fleet for Kanan to begrudgingly accept his presence, but even though he knows Hera, Zeb and the kids have welcomed him with open arms, he can’t bring himself to. </p><p>The others didn’t see Kallus sneering at him while he screamed.</p><p>Kanan knows people can change, sometimes radically so. The logical part of him knows he’s being stupid, and that letting his fear and anger rule him like this is not something a Jedi should be doing. His rational brain knows that it’s been a <em> long </em> time since Mustafar and Kallus has come so far since then. But the other part of him, the one that can still feel the pain from the electric shocks and the woozy visions from the drugs they pumped into his system, can’t forget the way Kallus stood there and smiled.</p><p>“Kanan?”</p><p>He sighs, his brow furrowing as he opens his eyes. “Kallus.” He doesn’t mean for his voice to come out that harsh, but he can’t help the way his shoulders tense. He stands up, turning to face Kallus and crossing his arms. </p><p>“I– Can we talk?” He can feel the tension rolling off of Kallus in waves. </p><p><em> Tell us where they are, Jedi. Just talk, and this will all be over. </em> The memory bubbles to the surface at the sound of Kallus’ voice, and Kanan shudders. He stands up a little straighter. “I’m listening.” His defenses are rising, and there’s still a hard edge to his voice.</p><p>Kallus sighs, and Kanan hears him step closer. Suddenly, he wishes he didn’t leave his mask on the ship. “I know we… don’t exactly have the best history,” he says.</p><p>Kanan can’t help himself. “Is that what we’re calling it?”</p><p>Kallus is silent for a moment. Kanan’s getting angrier by the minute, even though he knows he shouldn’t be, and even though he knows Kallus doesn’t mean any harm. “Look,” Kallus says. “I know you don’t like me— don’t trust me. And I don’t blame you.”</p><p>He’s not exactly <em> trying </em> to push Kallus’ buttons, but the small part of him that’s still hurt and terrified, even after all this time, lashes out before he can stop it. “Being tortured for days isn’t the kind of thing you just forget.”</p><p>Kallus blanches— Kanan can feel the spike of fear and hurt. “I… I did terrible things to you. Or, let them happen, at least. I know that. But… for whatever it’s worth, I wanted to apologize.”</p><p>Kanan sucks in a breath. He can feel the remorse coming off of Kallus in waves, and even if he wasn’t a Jedi he would be able to feel the truth of his words. Part of him is satisfied, in a way, that the other man seems to mean it. </p><p>But the other part is still reliving the torture. <em> I’m sorry. </em> It’s his own voice, suddenly reverberating inside his head, from in-between sessions with the interrogation droid. <em> I’m sorry, love. Forgive me. </em>He’d been so sure he was going to die. </p><p>All of the peace the meditation session brought him is gone now, and he’s reliving things he’s pushed so far down he thought he would never see them again. And he realizes: he doesn’t give a lothcat’s <em> ass </em> if Kallus is sorry. All that pain is burned into his memory forever, and that’s not something you can fix with empty words. No amount of apologies is going to fix the damage he did.</p><p>Kallus mistakes his silence for indecision. “I don’t expect you to throw me a welcome party. I don’t even expect you to forgive me, but I wanted to–”</p><p>Kanan can’t take it anymore. His breathing is coming faster and faster and he wants nothing more than to get out of this conversation and back to the Ghost. The longer he stands here, the bigger the lump in his throat gets. </p><p>“Listen, <em> Fulcrum. </em> ” Kanan steps closer to Kallus, so he’s right in his face. “I know you’re supposedly a changed man now, or whatever, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.” He shudders as the memory of Kallus’ sneer bubbles to the surface of his mind again, and from the trickles of pain seeping into the Force around them, Kanan knows the other man can see it. “You stood there and <em> watched </em> me while they—“ He cuts himself off with a choked up sound. “No <em> apology </em> is going to make that okay.”</p><p>He turns to walk away, back towards the Ghost and Hera and away from the pain. But he stops short as a new thought occurs to him, and he tosses a glance back over his shoulder. He can feel Kallus’ presence frozen to the spot. “One other thing. We both know what you’re really capable of, when you want to be. You give me <em> one reason </em> to think you might hurt them, and I will <em> end you. </em> Are we clear?” His tone leaves no room for argument. </p><p>Kanan hears Kallus sigh, and he can still feel remorse coming from him. There’s a grim satisfaction in him when he feels the pain there, too. “Clear, Kanan.” </p><p>He stalks back towards the Ghost, trying to get rid of the queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. </p><p>----</p><p>Hera finds him nursing a cup of caf in the common room of the Ghost a few days later. He can tell there’s something on her mind; he’s been more moody than normal since his encounter with Kallus. He can’t get the conversation out of his head, and he’s been having nightmares of Mustafar for the first time in months. He knows Hera can see that something’s wrong; she was always good at seeing right through him.</p><p> She sits down next to him in the small dejarik booth, and he can feel her questions even before she asks them. She doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, only reaching to run one hand across his shoulder blades. Her thumbs are working at the tense muscles there when he finally sighs. </p><p>“You’re brooding again,” Hera says, still rubbing his shoulders. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Kanan mutters, reaching for her other hand. “It’s been a rough couple weeks.”</p><p>Hera nods. “It has. But we all got away clean. Everyone is safe.” Her voice is still soft.</p><p>“I know. I’m just…” He wants to tell her and he <em> really </em> doesn’t, but thankfully she makes the decision for him. </p><p>“Kallus seems… subdued, lately,” she says, tentatively. Kanan knows she must be able to feel the way his shoulders tense up again. Her hand tightens its grip in his own. </p><p>“Does he, now.” Kanan makes no effort to hide the contempt in his voice, and he can practically hear Hera frowning beside him. Her hand stills on his back, coming to rest in between his shoulders. They’re silent for a few minutes, before he feels her move her hand up slightly, working at the knots in his neck. He can’t help but relax a bit, letting her touch soothe him the way it always does. But the image of Kallus and the interrogation chamber is still in the back of his mind.</p><p>“Kanan,” Hera starts, as his head droops a little further. “What’s going on?” </p><p>That’s something he loves and hates about Hera. Even when she knows what’s going on, or part of it, she always wants to hear it from him. It’s her way of coaxing him into talking when he’s ready rather than assuming. It’s both endearing and infuriating.</p><p>He sighs again. “I don’t like having Kallus around,” he mutters, and the hard edge in his voice is still there.</p><p>Hera takes it in stride, though, her hand still working at the knots in his neck. “He’s done a lot for us, love. He’s been a huge help to the Rebellion.” There’s a question in her tone, but Kanan shakes his head. </p><p>“I know he’s helped us so far, but I don’t trust him. He’s dangerous– he could betray us.” </p><p>“Sato trusts him. Zeb trusts him.” <em> I trust him, </em> was the unspoken end to that sentence. </p><p>“I can’t.” <em> Don’t ask me to. </em></p><p>“Why not?” Her voice is still impossibly soft, but he knows she can hear his breathing coming faster. Her hand is still massaging the back of his neck, and even though he <em> desperately </em> doesn’t want to have this conversation, he knows that she won’t leave him alone until she gets to the bottom of it. <em> Heart-warming and frustrating at the same time. </em> Force, he loves her, but he wishes she weren’t so observant right about now. “Look at everything he’s done.”</p><p><em> Everything he’s done. </em> Kallus’ voice, after the Inquisitor left: <em> I heard the stories about Jedi. I thought they’d be more… impressive. </em> He shudders. “You weren’t there,” he snaps. “You don’t know what he’s capable of.” </p><p>Patient, dependable Hera just scoots closer to him. “Tell me. What’s upsetting you? What’s really going on?” </p><p>Against his better judgement, he reaches for her, wrapping an arm around her waist as his head leans against hers. “Tarkin’s star destroyer,” Kanan mumbles, finally, after a long few minutes of silence. </p><p>Her hand stills against his neck. “You haven’t had those nightmares in a long time,” Hera says. </p><p>Kanan shakes his head. “It’s not the nightmares. Well… it is, but…” he trails off. Hera bumps his nose with hers, a wordless encouragement to continue. “Kallus was there.” </p><p>“In the dream?”</p><p>“On the ship.” He shudders. “He was there, the whole time, while they… He <em> watched </em> . And he <em> laughed </em>.” There’s a tremor in his voice.</p><p>“Oh, love.” Her arms wrap around him, pulling him closer. His head winds up resting against her shoulder, and he lets out a shuddering breath. She’s always so steady, when he needs her to be. “I didn’t know. I mean, I assumed he was at least aware, but…”</p><p>“Yeah.” A beat, then the hard part. “He came to find me a few days ago. He said he was sorry.” </p><p>Hera tenses. “That’s… good, isn’t it?” </p><p>Kanan shudders again. “<em> Sorry </em> doesn’t make that okay.” </p><p>They fall silent for a moment, but Kanan can practically hear the gears turning in Hera’s mind as she starts massaging the tension in his neck again. He can feel himself relaxing a bit under her hands.</p><p>Hera leans down to kiss the top of his head. “You told me once,” she starts, “that holding a grudge is easy. Letting go is the hard part.” </p><p>“I hate that you have such a good memory,” Kanan grumbles. It makes Hera laugh, and her hand moves from his neck to pull the tie loose from his hair. “But I… I can’t forgive him for that,” he says, as her fingers start carding through the strands. </p><p>“You don’t have to forgive him, at least not right away. But aren’t you always telling Ezra that you have to let your guard down, sometimes?” Kanan sighs again, and Hera presses on. “People can surprise you, sometimes, but only if you give them a chance to make amends for their mistakes.” </p><p>It’s the kind of thing Master Billaba would have said. Kanan knows that she’s right, even though he <em> really </em> doesn’t want to admit it. “I also hate when you’re right.” </p><p>“I know you do, love.” Hera laughs again. </p><p>“You’d make a good Jedi, you know.” It’s not the first time he’s told her that, but it’s times like this that he’s reminded of how true the statement is. </p><p>“Two Jedi are hard enough to deal with. Three would be chaos.” Hera kisses the top of his head again. “Just promise you’ll at least think about what I said?”</p><p>He nods. “I promise.”</p><p>------</p><p>Kanan spends a lot of time meditating over the next week. </p><p>He’s been keeping a close eye on Kallus, keeping tabs on him as life on base goes on. He knows he’s probably being paranoid, but as much as he’s trying to remember that Kallus is a rebel now, he can’t help the nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach. He still doesn’t trust him completely yet. </p><p>So he waits, and he meditates, and he thinks about those awful days over Mustafar, when Kallus stood right beside the Inquisitor and watched as the electricity coursed through his body. It still makes him queasy, to picture those memories, and for the first few days he still can’t bring himself to even consider the possibility of forgiveness.</p><p>But then he remembers the infiltration mission, when Kallus helped them escape the star destroyer and stayed behind so that he could keep providing valuable intel. He thinks about all the risks Kallus has taken for the Rebellion during his time as Fulcrum, when he put himself in danger for the sake of doing the right thing. He meditates for hours and hours, and the others leave him be. Ezra and Hera both know he needs his space when there’s something on his mind. </p><p>Eventually, after a week of meditation which leaves his thoughts no less jumbled than they were before, he finally gives up. He’s blocked, still, but even though he still can’t be around Kallus without thinking about those days over Mustafar, the memories feel less suffocating than they used to. He’s not quite so paranoid, now, and he’s stopped waiting for Kallus to betray them and hand over their location to the Empire. It’s progress, at least, even if he isn’t all the way there yet.</p><p>Hera seems to know that something’s shifted when he wakes up the next morning. Nothing on the ship escapes her notice, and when she quietly says that Kallus will be working on perimeter repairs throughout the day, he knows it’s a code. <em> Talk to him. You can do it, </em> her eyes seem to say. </p><p>Kanan finds him late in the day, working on calibrating one of the perimeter sensors. He senses his surprise– clearly Kallus wasn’t expecting to see him. “Kanan. What can I do for you?” There’s a hint of apprehension in his voice. </p><p>Kanan rubs the back of his neck and sighs. “I just… I wanted to apologize for snapping at you like that.” </p><p>He hears Kallus stand up, senses him turning to face him. “I don’t blame you, to be honest.” Kallus pushes a button on the sensor array, and a moment later, a beep indicates that it’s functioning normally. “I understand if you don’t like me. But I meant what I said. I <em> am </em> sorry, as little as that’s worth.” </p><p>Once again Kanan can feel the truth of his words. “I know. Thanks. It’s… it’s appreciated.” His words are terse, businesslike, but if he softens his voice, he won’t ever get this out. He takes a step closer to Kallus. “Look. Those couple weeks were… they’re not something I can forget. They left scars.” </p><p>He can feel a flash of pain enter Kallus’s aura in the Force, and he shakes his head before the other man can speak. “It’s alright. It’s in the past. But I– I can’t forgive you.”</p><p>“Right,” Kallus mutters. “Okay.” He sounds dejected, and Kanan can feel how important this is to him. He holds up a hand before Kallus can walk away. </p><p>“I can’t forgive you, <em> yet. </em> ” Kanan says. Then he holds out a hand. “But I’m trying. And I <em> can </em> work with you, now that we’re on the same side.” </p><p>Kanan doesn’t need his vision to know that Kallus is smiling widely. “I can work with that,” he says, grasping Kanan’s arm and shaking firmly. </p><p>It feels like a promise.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Come find me on Twitter if you want to keep in touch! @targaryenjedii</p></blockquote></div></div>
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